Fic: The Evolutionary Imperative of Thanksgiving
Title: The Evolutionary Imperative of Thanksgiving
Author: vespalicious
Characters/Pairings: Bob, Elle, Mohinder, HRG, Hiro, Adam, Angela, Sandra, Lyle (mentioned), Claire (mentioned), Mr. Muggles, Matt, Nathan, Peter (mention), West, Chandra, Sylar. No real pairings, but there is a mention of Petrellicest.
Rating: PG
Warnings: THIS IS CRACK.
Spoiler alert: There are references to things that have happened up to and including 2.09 Cautionary Tales.
Summary: It's Thanksgiving Day, and the Heroes would like to think that they put the 'FUN' in dysfunctional family, but perhaps that's too much of a claim.
Author's Notes: It's been ages since I wrote..any sort of fic whatsoever so if this travels into realms of FAIL never yet explored, I deeply apologize. Also, Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate!

So I bring to you, Festive Thanksgiving Crack.



It all started on the roof of the Deveaux building. In fact, many things have started up there and no one was quite sure why that was the case, but the fact remained that there was this magnetism of sorts, drawing everyone up there for any possible occasion. Or probable occasion. Occasionally the impossible occasions were also accounted for, but this? A yearly celebration often celebrated within the privacy of one’s own home, privacy, of course, being relative depending on relatives.

But what drew them all to the top of the Deveaux building for a Thanksgiving Day celebration was unknown. There wasn’t an eclipse in sight that the roof would offer a spectacular sort of view. It also wasn’t entirely customary for Thanksgiving to take place on a roof either.

But here they were.

And it had to be a mistake. Perhaps it was fate’s way of laughing at them. It had brought them together to save the world, but on the days when villainy seemed to be out to a perpetual turkey lunch, it was only appropriate that they would be brought together for an occasion such as this, no bombs, and no viruses unless someone were to undercook the turkey.

“Elle. No. NO!” Bob shouted, as Elle electrocuted the twentieth turkey into oblivion and back again, “When I said to COOK it, I didn’t mean to zap every single last bit of recognizable turkey qualities out of it!”

”This is coming from the person who keeps sneaking off with the turkeys and returning with some gold that is, ODDLY ENOUGH, shaped suspiciously like a turkey!” Elle retorted before sulking and zapping one in such a way that it would cook adequately instead. Elle screamed and leapt aside as a bullet whizzed past her elbow, lodging itself in the turkey.

“MOHINDER!” everyone chorused.

Mohinder assumed a look of moral confusion and sat down in the corner, sulking and staring at his gun. “Does this mean I can’t have any pumpkin pie?”

”You will only get the pie if you stop shooting turkeys. And paper salesmen,” HRG said, dancing around the table in a giant cornucopia costume, before adding as an afterthought, “And cornucopias.”

Mohinder lowered his gun and pouted. “FINE THEN. I will be surly and dampen the festive holiday mood. You cannot stop me! The pie will be mine!”

“Actually,” Hiro said, “I think the pumpkin pies took a trip into the past and are with Mystery Sock now. WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!”

Molly glanced at Hiro, wondering if he had perhaps solved the mystery of where socks go when they get lost at the Laundromat. If that was the case, then perhaps tracking down this Mystery Sock might be to the benefit of the entire human race.

“Or perhaps you STOLE THEM. You have a habit of STEALING THINGS that aren’t yours!” Adam stated with annoyance, as he snuck up on Bob with the turkey carver in hand.

“Adam!” Angela started in a warning tone before starting to play with Adam’s hair for ambiguous reasons that may or may not have anything to do with her power, “Put down the turkey carver and go sit next to Lyle.”

Adam obeyed, which may or may not be a result of Angela’s powers, and if it is not, could only be explained by the presence of sheer curiosity as to why Lyle was sitting at the foot of a chair occupied by a Pomeranian and begging for table scraps.

“Mr. Muggles is such a smart dog, yes he is! He can even feed Lyle!” Sandra declared with pride, interrupting the advice she was giving Claire in regards to West, who was suspected to have flown south for the winter.

“By Jove, I am rather crafty! Once I resurrect Kaito and we begin our conquest, leaving not a loin untouched, the world will see my stunning intellect and sexual prowess!” Mr. Muggles declared, ducking down in his seat as three figures dressed in turkey costumes flew overhead.

“STOP!” Matt shouted as he pointed at one of the flying turkeys, “Flying Under the Influence is against the law!”

“I’m not flying under the influence. Once I shaved off my beard, my sobriety magically returned! Turkey beards don’t count either,” Nathan made a face as he flew in circles over Matt’s head.

West paused in midair, adjusted his turkey costume, and stared at Peter and Nathan, who were both behaving in a way that could only be classified as being really, really Italian.

“The children. Where are you keeping them?” demanded a potted plant that was carrying around a copy of Chandra Suresh’s book.

“I won’t tell you unless you tell me why I was put on can-opening duty, plant species Chandra,” Sylar glared in the plant’s general direction while most of the Thanksgiving guests realized that the question of reincarnation had been officially solved, and Adam gloated at several nearby individuals because the threat of dying and coming back as something potentially embarrassing wasn’t something he had to worry about at all.

“NO HAM OR TUNA!” Sylar shouted while making a face as he telekinetically removed the lids of the remaining cans. “DO NOT WANT!”

There was a loud bang and bullets went flying.

”MOHINDER!” everyone shouted in unison.

“Sorry,” Mohinder said sarcastically.

“That’s enough from trigger happy scientists turned company drones with daddy issues. For dessert, you get a band-aid,” Angela glared in Mohinder’s general direction and tossed him a box of band-aids.

Mohinder’s screams of angst at being denied the wonders of pumpkin pie were drowned out as everyone else sat down, determined to make the best out of their Thanksgiving celebration.

Even though that was a level of unprecedented difficulty for many.

After all, no one said it was easy being a hero, even on the holidays.